Come Dine With Hannibal
by BlueNeutrino
Summary: Somewhat cracky fic inspired by the reality show "Come Dine With Me". Hannibal, Will, Alana, Jack and Freddie are contestants on a TV show where they must impress each other by hosting dinner parties. Hannibal, of course, is never one to be outdone in a contest of culinary skill, but will his guests survive the competition?


_**Come Dine With Hannibal**_

**Summary: Somewhat cracky fic inspired by the reality show "Come Dine With Me". Hannibal, Will, Alana, Jack and Freddie are contestants on a TV show where they must impress each other by hosting dinner parties. Hannibal, of course, is never one to be outdone in a contest of culinary skill, but will his guests survive the competition?**

**A/N: I floated this idea on Tumblr a couple of days ago and people seemed to be interested, so here it is. This is the result of me watching "Come Dine With Me" on TV for the first time in ages the other day, and all I could think of was how tasteless Hannibal would find the whole thing and what might happen if he was on the show. That evolved into this. I have got no idea how to go about writing a fic that's a spoof of a reality show, but I gave it my best shot. I don't know if this writing style works or not, because it's very...well, you'll see. I was aiming for tongue-in-cheek (I'm sure there's a pun in there somewhere). So, enjoy (I hope). Or rather, bon appetit.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing relating to the Hannibal franchise in any way, nor do I own the format of the TV show "Come Dine With Me".**

_**Titles**_

The music jingles out cheerily as the title sequence plays, accompanying the cheesy montage of footage that's flashing across the screen. Close ups of food and implausibly happy people are displayed, cutting and changing with the chirpy upbeat rhythm. As the final few bars play, the text announcing the title of the show appears in large, friendly letters (not quite as friendly as the text adorning the front of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", but friendly enough so as to not scare away viewers) that read "Come Dine With Me" before it fades into an aesthetically pleasing shot of an isolated house surrounded by forestry.

The viewer (or indeed, that may be you, good reader, if you care to picture the scene) is given a moment or two to enjoy this rather ordinary but pleasant visual, before a voice begins to recite an enthusiastic monologue off screen.

"Hello, and welcome to 'Come Dine With Me'. This week we find ourselves in Baltimore, Maryland, where five strangers will compete in a battle of style, hospitality and culinary skill to win the title of Host of the Week and the coveted cash prize of one thousand dollars." Disembodied Voiceover Man (who shall henceforth be known as as Harry, as that may or may not be his name) pauses to allow a change of scene, as a series of sweeping artistic shots of Baltimore are displayed to the viewer. He then continues, "For the next five nights, our contestants will take turns to host dinner parties where they must provide food and entertainment, and then have their performance scored in secret by their guests. At the end of the week, whichever host has received most points shall be declared the winner. So, let's meet our contestants."

To begin, the scene cuts to a nicely decorated living room with a brown leather couch, upon which is sat a dark skinned, middle aged man with close-cropped black hair who is about to be introduced. "Agent Jack Crawford is an investigator for the FBI specialising in behavioural science, but this week he's hoping to impress in an altogether different field," Harry explains.

As you, reader, have the privilege of experiencing this episode in textual rather than visual form, you may also gain access to some of what goes on behind the scenes. For example, as Agent Crawford sits staring into the camera trying (not too successfully) to not look too sombre, there is in fact a man sat behind the camera. His name is Steve. He is a vital part of creating this show, in charge of camera work and interviewing contestants.

"Tells us about your strategy," Steve asks Jack, "How do you plan to win this?"

Jack looks at him a little uncomfortably. "I, um, I'm not much of a cook compared to my wife, but I know I can be a good host. Hosting is a lot like solving a murder."

There is a pause. Steve is confused. "Do you think you could elaborate on that for us?" he asks.

Jack looks embarrassed and there is another pause. To spare you having to endure an excess of pauses, good reader, I think we shall move on.

We now cut to another living room, similarly nice, where a dark haired woman is sat next to a mahogany coffee table that has been included in the shot for artistic reasons. She has a genuine, if slightly guarded smile on her face. Harry shall tell you more about her: "By coincidence, Dr Alana Bloom is also a behavioural psychologist who works at the FBI Academy. She hopes that her skills in understanding people will allow her to better please and cater for her guests."

Steve interviews her for a short while, but the quote that makes the final cut is, "I care about my guests in a professional capacity, but it would be nice to make new friends."

"Well, I hope that works out for you," Harry comments, although she can't hear him being the disembodied voiceover that he is, before the scene cuts again.

The next living room we find ourselves in is much less stylishly decorated than the previous two, but feels homely nonetheless. The lighting is duller, but is sufficient to illuminate the figure sitting on an armchair, staring in the vague direction of the camera but not directly at it (nor, indeed, at Steve) and slouching in such a way that suggests he's exhausted. ("Come on, you haven't even done anything yet," Harry snarks.) He has a mop of dark hair that isn't quite long enough to obscure his tired looking blue eyes, and he sports several millimetres worth of scruff on his chin. There is an unusually large number of dogs in the background.

"When he's not running a rescue centre for dogs that may or may not have actually needed rescuing from his home, Will Graham works part time as a guest lecturer and consultant on behavioural psychology at the FBI Academy," comes the introduction. "How all these people don't know each other already we don't know, but the rules of the competition say that they can't, so they don't."

Steve then asks him the standard question about his strategy for the competition. "The stag is in the woods," Will replies, "I hunt and kill it to provide the meal. I invite the guests to my home, making sure they feel welcome. I then cook the stag and serve it. This is my design."

Will delivers the speech in a monotone, but when he's finished he looks confused and anxious. Steve is a little unsettled too. He decides to move on.

Once the scene has cut again, the next in the sequence of living rooms is revealed to be one that is both elegantly modern yet traditional, with polished wooden floors and various Baroque paintings adorning the walls. However, despite the room itself being impressive, the viewer's attention must be drawn to the man sitting upon the divan in the centre of the screen, our fourth contestant. Even if he were not in the centre of the shot, his formidable appearance would still surely be enough to draw eyes to him. He wears an immaculate burgundy suit and tie with black waistcoat, and his dark blond hair is neatly parted and combed to the side. His eyes are staring just to the right of the camera, resting calmly but intently on Steve as he waits for the interview to commence. Steve squirms a little under the intensity of the stare.

"This is Dr Hannibal Lecter, clinical psychiatrist, who prides himself on his cooking skill," Harry announces. "Let's hope his guests agree, or he may have to try some psychological manipulation on them." Hannibal of course can't hear the dry remark, but even so, his expression seems to show mild disapproval.

Steve stammers a little as he tries to get the first question out, unnerved by the way Hannibal is eyeing him like a piece of meat. "H-how do you feel about this competition, Dr Lecter?"

Hannibal continues to survey him steadily for a moment, and smiles slightly before answering. "I am most looking forward to it. It is always a pleasure to have people for dinner."

"And, uh, do you think your food is good enough to win?"

Again, the corners of Hannibal's mouth twitch slightly as he answers. "My food is to die for."

Steve watches him for a moment longer, noting the way the doctor licks his lips subtly without taking his eyes off of Steve. The camera operator decides he doesn't want to continue with this interview for much longer.

In light of Steve's decision to cut that short, that would then bring us onto our final contestant to be introduced to you, good reader. Our next cut scene brings us not to a living room, but a bedroom, where a woman is sat at a desk staring into the camera, while a laptop is open beside her. For some reason, she appears to have only just gotten out of the shower, as she is wearing only a towel and the moisture in her vibrant red hair has weighed down her bouncy ringlets into waves. Her eyes are as focused on the camera as its lens is on her, as she looks out at her audience with an artificial smile.

"And our final contestant is Freddie Lounds, reporter and blogger for the website tattlecrime dot com." At that point, Freddie none-too-subtly shifts in her seat and turns her head to draw attention to the computer screen, which is showing a page from the website in question.

"She's spent plenty of time writing about criminals," Harry says, "But will people be writing about her cooking for the right reasons?"

Steve's ready to start his interview, and Freddie answers his questions readily and confidently, sounding just a little rehearsed. "Everything I serve will be one hundred percent vegetarian," she explains, the unnatural smile never leaving her face. "I intend for my food to be completely ethical. I know a lot about killers, and people who kill animals for food are just that: killers."

Off screen, Steve's eyebrows are creeping further up his forehead in response to what she's saying, but he has enough footage to work with in the editing room later. However, for your benefit, reader, the editing process is something we may skip over. All of this week's contestants have now been introduced, which Harry shall confirm:

"And so that's all our contestants," he says brightly. "Now we just have to find the running order. All the names were drawn randomly from a hat to decide who will go first. Let's see who that will be."

Once again the scene changes, returning us to one of the various living rooms we viewed earlier. It's the one with the rather nice coffee table. Alana is still sat by it, and a hand appears from the side of the screen as she is handed an envelope (the only part of Steve you may get chance to glimpse!). Alana opens it and reads what it says before paraphrasing out loud. "I'm going first. Well, that's okay. Gives me chance to make a good first impression."

Her smile is a little uncertain, but she doesn't seem too dissatisfied with her allocation. With that in mind, it's time to move on and establish the rest of the running order. Cut to Jack being handed an envelope of his own, and upon opening it, his face falls. "I'm second," he states disappointedly. "You know with serial killers, the second victim is often made to suffer more than the first because the killer gains confidence after murdering for the first time."

Steve is beginning to wonder why Jack agreed to be on the show if he views the whole ordeal as analogous to murder, but he just nods and pretends to understand.

Freddie is next to be seen opening her envelope, discovering that she is third. Her self-assured smile and satisfied nod suggests she is quite happy with this. "Third. Third's good. I can work with that."

The camera then returns again to the immaculately dressed Dr Lecter, who opens his envelope calmly with a neutral expression on his face. He reads it silently, but does not relay the information out loud or give any indication of his opinion on it. After a pause of a couple of seconds, Steve prompts him nervously. "What does it say?"

Hannibal raises his head to look at the cameraman, who wishes that he hadn't. "It says that I shall be hosting fourth," he answers passively, his tone calm and measured.

"And, um, how do you feel about that?"

Momentarily, Hannibal looks displeased that someone else has asked him that question, as usually it is him asking it of his patients. However, he then reverts to his usual politeness. "That is perfectly acceptable."

Steve swallows nervously. The way Hannibal is eyeing him is most unsettling. "Is there anything else you would like to say?"

The question prompts Hannibal to tilt his head slightly as he looks at Steve curiously. "Would you like me to say something else, Steven? Perhaps you are looking for a soundbite?"

Steve emphatically shakes his head. "No, no. That's fine," he manages to say, eager to wrap that conversation up.

And that leaves only Will. After reading the contents of his envelope, the dog-lover looks out at the screen helplessly. "Why don't I even remember signing up for this show?"

Steve decides to cut whatever he says next.

"So, now all our contestants know which order they shall be competing in," Harry then announces, while the screen returns to a series of generic establishing shots, this time of people's kitchens. "Join us after the break to see what happens when our contestants meet each other for the first time at Alana's dinner party."

And with that, reader, we shall leave you to ponder what may happen later on...

_**Coming up after the break...**_

_-Will stands in front of an oven, peeringly worriedly through the glass door at the food inside. He opens the door a crack, only to have smoke billow out as he frantically tries to shut the oven off and minimize the damage. "No," he mutters. "This was not my design." -_

_-Will and Alana exchange flirtatious smiles across the dinner table. Cut briefly to Freddie, who is watching them intently, and to Hannibal, who is frowning in displeasure.-_

_-Freddie is serving up her first course, setting plates down in front of her guests. "Everything I serve tonight will be entirely vegetarian," she states firmly. The camera pans round to capture other people's reactions: Alana accepts it graciously, Will and Jack seem indifferent, but just the briefest flicker of disgust crosses Hannibal's face, his nose crinkling slightly before he quickly replaces it with his usual meticulous mask of courtesy. -_

_-The camera rests on Hannibal, who stands alone in his stylish kitchen with the surrounding marble work surfaces entirely devoid of food. From off camera, Steve asks him to explain what meal he is preparing and how he will go about doing it. Hannibal reaches to take a knife out of its stand as he replies. "Well, first I must prepare the meat."_

_"What meat will you be preparing?" asks Steve._

_Hannibal just looks at the camera and smiles.-_

_**Commercial break**_

**A/N: I know I have a stupid amount of WIP fics at the moment, but this is one I know can be completed in at most seven chapters. This has definitely been kind of challenging and experimental, and I'm kind of poking fun both at the reality show and Hannibal, so I'd appreciate any feedback anyone would like to offer.**


End file.
